Pope who?

Thursday 7th April 2005 - 1:07:51 AM

Mitch Hedberg, a very funny stand-up comedian died march 30th. Here are some of my favorite one-liners…

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible…

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave too.”

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I’ll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

On a traffic light green means go, and yellow means yield… but on a banana, it’s just the opposite,… green means hold on, yellow means go ahead… and red means, where the f*** did you get that banana at?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.”

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means…it’s dirty.

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob but that’s how thats how it comes out of the ground, they should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you’d cut off my arm you would call my arm Mitch, but then reattach it and call it Mitch all together.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

The Pope didn’t have any funny one-liners.

2 Comments »

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  1. Mason

    It sucks that he passed away, man even I knew who he was and thats saying something. And my favorite “Once I bought an ant farm, those ants didn’t grow shit. I was like cant you grow even grow a watermellon(?) plus if I ripped your legs off you would look like snowmen.”

    Comment left on April 7, 2005 @ 10:44 am

  2. Karwan

    Cialis I’ll gear this review to 2 types of peploe: current Zune owners who are considering an upgrade, and peploe trying to decide between a Zune and an iPod. (There are other players worth considering out there, like the Sony Walkman X, but I hope this give

    Comment left on December 16, 2015 @ 11:56 pm

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